Reprinted from: https://www.nextavenue.org/ethical-will/
Have you considered how to pass on your non-material assets?
By Deborah
Quilter
April 11, 2019
April 11, 2019
When people
find out Debby Mycroft helps people write ethical wills, she always gets a predictable
response: The Lament.
“They say,
‘Oh, I wish I had a letter from my dad or grandmother or great aunt,’ whoever
that person was. I have not come across a single person who has not wanted a
letter from that special person,” says Mycroft, founder of Memories Worth
Telling.
Unlike legal
wills, ethical wills — also known as legacy letters — are not written by
lawyers, but by you. They can include life lessons, values, blessings and hopes
for the future, apologies to those you fear you may have hurt or gratitude to
those you think you have not thanked enough. Traditionally, they were letters
written by parents to children, to be read after death.
People who
do not have children address them to friends or groups. One of Mycroft’s
clients was placed in child protective services when she was quite young
because her parents were addicts. “She had a rough upbringing. She
intentionally decided not to have children herself. But she wanted to write an
ethical will to other foster kids to let them know [they] can survive this,”
Mycroft explains.
Why Write an Ethical Will?
Think that
your life isn’t important enough to warrant an ethical will? Mycroft disagrees,
saying, “You don’t have to be a war hero or a Nobel Peace Prize winner for your
story to have value. When people accept awards at the Olympics, they thank the
people who had an impact on their life, like Mom or Dad, who was always there
to take them to training.”
But there’s
an even more important reason you might want to consider a legacy letter.
According to Barry K. Baines, author of Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on
Paper, such documents can bring enormous peace of mind.
Baines
recalls one dying patient who was bereft because he felt there would be no
trace of him when he left. “The first wave would wash away his footprints. That
sense of hopelessness and loss was overwhelming,” says Baines. The man rated
his suffering at 10 out of 10; after he wrote his ethical will, his suffering
reduced to zero.
Don’t wait
until you are on your deathbed to do this, Baines warns. As soon as you
articulate your values, suddenly you start to live your life more
intentionally. Especially if you share it.
Ethical Will: Telling Your Own Story
If you don’t
feel capable of writing your legacy letter
yourself, you can use an online template, take a workshop, read a book about it
or work with a professional writer.
But don’t
judge your skills harshly. Baines finds that whether people are educated or not
or if their letters are simple or complex, they always have a certain elegance
because of the truth they contain. “When the families get one, they just glow,”
Baines says, adding, “This is a unique gift that only you can give.”
When you
write your letter, don’t just say, “My core values are consideration,
gratitude, kindness, simplicity,” advises Mycroft. Tell a story about how
you’ve lived these values.
In her own legacy
letter, Mycroft told her kids about a temp job she had as a teen. She appeared
nicely dressed in a skirt, blouse and heels. When she walked in, the employers
gave her a funny look and asked, “Why do you think you are here?”
She
explained the agency had sent her out for secretarial work. Then her employers
handed her a hard hat and steel-toed shoes. “That’s when I look at them
quizzically.”
Turns out
they were a plastic-bag manufacturer and she was supposed to sort through
damaged goods to salvage the ones that could be sold.
“I was so
angry that that agency had sent me out on that job. It was hot and humid in
Virginia. I was fuming,” Mycroft says. “When I got home, my parents started
grilling me. They said, ‘Did you agree on this job?’” And Mycroft confirmed
that she did.
They asked
what the contract said. Mycroft replied that the contract was pretty clear. Did
she sign the contract, her parents wanted to know?
“Yes, but,”
she says she told them. “And my parents said, ‘You signed it; you’re committed
to it.’”
Mycroft
stuck with the job as promised. “That was my first lesson in integrity,
perseverance and diligence,” she recalls. She did what she said she would do.
As a postscript, she got fantastic jobs from the agency over the rest of the
summer. They knew they could count on her.
What Goes Into the Legacy Letter and What
Stays Out
Ethical
wills are often likened to letters from the heart, so perhaps the best advice
is to literally write a love letter.
Love letters
don’t recriminate. They don’t judge. They don’t scold. A love letter is there
to show how much someone matters to you.
Criticisms
and judgments should be left out, advises Mycroft. It’s okay to include regrets
and family secrets, even if they hurt. If worded properly, these could bring
the family to a place of acceptance and understanding.
She notes,
“Sometimes when those things are hidden for so long it causes a lot of
resentment — as in] why didn’t they tell me I was adopted? I wish I had known.”
“Definitely
avoid manipulation,” Mycroft advises. “Legacy letters are beautiful expressions
of love and encouragement, telling other people what is so fantastic about
them. I do not think they should be hands reaching up from the grave slapping
you or saying, ‘I told you so.’”
Think about
how your letter might be received. Baines worked with a woman who had a very
hard life. “Every part of her ethical will was blame and guilt-tripping,” he
recalls. While some people can turn around a bad experience and use it is an
example of what not to do, this woman could not.
“It almost
seemed like she was purposely trying to hurt people,” Baines says. But
eventually she realized that and gave up, sparing her family the hurt she would
cause them.
Get a Second Opinion
Baines
believes writers should show their legacy letter to a trusted friend before
passing it on, to avoid inadvertent errors. Your reader might say, “You
mentioned your two children, but you only write about one and not the other.”
That could be extremely hurtful.
Baines also urges
people to share the letters while they’re living. It might be painful, but
there’s still potentially an opportunity to mend wounds. After you die, there’s
no recourse at all.
What About Videos or Selfie Videos?
Some people
make videos or selfies of their ethical wills, but keep in mind that
technologies can become outmoded.
Mycroft gave
both her children the letter and a video of her reading the letter so they not
only have her words, but can also hear her voice.
“I’ve heard
of people saving voicemails of people who have passed on,” she says. “Can you
imagine saving a voicemail and all it says is ‘Susie, are you there? Can you
pick up? Hello?’ If you’re willing to save that message just to hear their
voice, how much more powerful would it be to hear your voice reading that
letter?”
The Time Is Now
The time to
write your spiritual legacy is now. Mycroft provides a case in point about her
mother, who knew the family lore and lineage.
“I gave her
one of these fill-in-the-blank family history books because I wanted to make
sure it was preserved,” says Mycroft. “Five years later, when she had passed
away and I went to clean out her office, I found the book. It was completely
empty.”
Deborah Quilter is an ergonomics expert, a
certified Feldenkrais practitioner, a yoga therapist and the founder of the
Balance Project at the Martha Stewart Center for Living at Mount Sinai Hospital
in New York. She is also the author of Repetitive Strain Injury: A Computer
User's Guide and The Repetitive Strain Injury Recovery Book.
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